More Than Dreams
by aschowin
Summary: One shot fic that considers what Harry and Ginny might be thinking a few days after Dumbledore's funeral. A look into the questioning mind of a teen.


Author's Note: This is a one shot fic that I am using as a warm up. It's been a little while since I've posted anything, so I thought I would start small and move on from there. Thanks for taking a chance and reading this.

More Than Dreams

Have you ever felt like crying. It's a stupid question really, I'm guessing most people have at some time or another. I know I've had the desire to release that sorrow, to let myself go. I've fought it now for a few days, and I'm only beginning to think about why. I've even let the tears build up, allowed the burning to fill my eyes. But I won't let myself break down. I don't know if I have the right to give up like that, to retreat and give in to life.

When Harry told me that we couldn't keep seeing each other, I knew what he was doing. He was protecting me. It was sweet, probably since I know he didn't do it because he thinks I'm weak. There is a real danger now, in being associated with Harry, and it was as much for himself as it was for me. He needs to know that I'm safe, and I can understand that; I truly do, but he is the reason that I feel so low right now.

I can't say that he has been my lifelong desire, he was only a fairytale story when I was a girl. It wasn't until I met him that I actually had thoughts of what it would be like to be his girlfriend, dreamed of what I could have with him. And those thoughts turned into a crush, which has now become love. So why should I be allowed to cry now? If ever someone has had their dream come true, it's me. He said it was like something from someone else's life, and he was right. But I know the answer is that I want more, with him. I want our love to keep going.

So now I am alone, and I am unwilling or unable to loose the sadness that is left within me. It's all for knowing him, and who he is. It's silly even, because I can smile a little when I think about it. Resignation isn't a part of me, but it seems like now that is the only role that I will be allowed to play. The dutiful woman waiting at home for news of my love. It is a terrible task, that doesn't suit me. I'm not sure I have the strength for this. Lingering here is asking for a courage I never knew existed. How can I turn away? How does Mum do it?

I suppose it has always been this way with men. They go off and leave us, never understanding the pain they have betrayed us to, or the kind of will and courage it takes to wait and hope for their safe return.

When he comes for the wedding though, I won't make it any harder on him. He was brave enough to choose this the first time. I know he'll already be torn by this decision, because I know him, and I feel the same thing. Our hearts aren't made to keep pulling themselves apart. It is cruel to expect him to return, only to have to leave again. But he'll do it for my family, and for me. So I will show him that I am waiting for him, that I won't give up on him. After all, in the end we only have hope, and each other.

I don't know if Ginny really understands. She said she does, but I still wonder. It's my own fault and I know it. I should have talked with her more about why I chose this, made sure she knows I love her, and this is not what I want. But talking has never been my best attribute, and it hurt me so much to give her up, to walk away and face my destiny without her. So instead I explained as best as I could, and I walked away. That may be the hardest thing I will face through this whole ordeal. Not a moment has passed since the funeral that I haven't regretted this decision, or thought about her. I can only hope that if I survive this, she will be able to forgive me. It will be the only redemption that can save me when this is over. I'm not even sure I deserve it.

I had so little time with her, and now I am alone again. Although I'm doing this to protect Ginny, it was still my decision. I could have been selfish and stayed with her, but that would doom her. I had more than I ever dreamed of with Ginny, how could I give that up? I can't live without her, but I'd never forgive myself if something happened to her; so now I can't live with her in my life either. I can't imagine an evil worse than that, and I've seen a fair bit of evil. Even now I can feel the burn, and I think if I don't let it out it will drive me insane. I've only cried once in my life that I can remember, so it doesn't come easily to me. Just this once though, I almost wish that it did.

Every waking minute I spend preparing now, though Ginny is never out of my thoughts. I feel so old at times, and I'm tired of this world. It's not that I'm ready to give up or anything. I won't ever surrender. I'd just rather that things were different, simpler. But they aren't. Someday it will be. For now though, I have a lot of work to do before life gets better. At least I still have hope.

I have to face her again before I begin. I promised Ron I would go to the wedding, and I will. I don't know how I'll be able to see her and leave once more. I'm beginning to realize that courage isn't only found in going to battle, but in the strength to walk away from what I desire, to give that up in order to protect it. Somehow, I am going to have to find that power again. If I can do that, then I will be able to finish this. But that strength will have to come from my heart, my love for her, and it is the very thing I will be leaving behind.

We know it's not right, that life should ask us to give up so much. I know better than anyone how much can be taken from one person. In the end we're only left with what we know, and what we feel.


End file.
